Dear heart, why?

Dear heart, why him.

I tried my best to stay cold,

to appear heartless, to appear careless.

But for the thousandth times,

I failed.

My heart fall for him,

and I hate myself for that.

I hate myself for being so pathetic,

I hate myself for giving too much attention,

I hate myself for being overly-care,

I tried not to think about him, 

but I barely did that.

I tried so hard to stand still,

but I failed. 

There's time, I think i was special to him,

but, apparently no.

There's time, I think he needs me,

but, i dont think so.

I just hope to be appreciated. Little bit.

Whatever it is, 

I will go on,

I will make sure he is happy,

I will remind him when he forget about Allah,

I will tell him if he did wrong,

As long as I'm here,

I will do that, even sometimes it hurts.

Dear myself,

That's a fitrah.

Nak jaga tu kena bermujahadah dgn betul.

This is a test that Allah give to you.

with a guy..

a guy..

Stay strong. Get a firm grip.

I will always keep this quite.

he won't know this..

Unless by Allah's will.

Dear Allah, help me. 

Dear Allah, please take care of him.

Trust Him ;)

Bismillah,

Disaat rasa susah,

Disaat rasa tak mampu,

Berdoalah padaNya,

Merayulah padaNya,

Mengadulah padaNya,

Allah takkan pernah menghiraukan hambaNya,

Allah mendengar setiap doa rintihan kita,

Namun,

Dikala bahagia,

Dikala jalan kita dipermudahkan,

Dikala rezeki kita dimurahkan,

Bersyukurlah padaNya,

Teruskan bedoa padaNya,

Jangan lalai,

Jangan alpa,

Jadilah hamba yang selalu mengingati Allah dikala susah senang.

Ya Allah, terima kasih kerana membantuku ketika menjawab exam Math tadi.

Alhamdulillah.

Mr

There's something remind me of you,

Akhi,
You are our Islam's future leader,
You are the light of the young Muslims ,
You are soleh,
Thank you for choosing me,
The girl that always failed to change for good,
But, I'm sorry,
We weren't meant to be together,
At least for now,
I have dreams to be chased,
You have dreams to be catched,
Let's fight towards our goal.

If our name are written together by Him,
We'll be there,
But if not, don't worry,
He always have a better plan.

Take care ;)

Aku

Pandangan orang..

Aku kelihatan ayu dari segi perilaku, kata2
Aku nampak jenis yg feminin,suka floral, suka baby
Aku nampak mcm mudah sayang kat org (konteks persahabatan)
Aku nampak mcm mudah terima pandangan or kata2 org
Aku mungkin nampak sgt pemaaf, easy to forget an forgive then move on
Nampak mcm tak kisah dgn apa2 yg terjadi..
Sometimes aku nampak mcm sgt lemah and mudah jatuh

Aku tak tipu, ni betul apa pandangan org bila diorg tgk aku selama 19 tahun aku hidup.
Bagi yg notice ni semua, ni just luaran aku.

Hakikatnya orang tak tahu aku.Entirely.
My heart is like a steel.



I wanna change..

Diorang.

Diorang cakap pasal usrah,
Diorang bercakap pasal ukhwah,
Diorang bercakap pasal perjuangan Islam,
Diorang bercakap pasal dakwah,
Diorang bercakap pasal tarbiah,
Diorang sentiasa menjaga makanan rohani,
Diorang sentiasa ingat Allah,
Diorang bertudung labuh. Diorang solehah.

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Aku? Aku mcm mana. Apa aku selalu bualkan?


Lots of love,
Querida Eyha

Past is past

'What position did you hold in your school?'
'A head girl'
And people was like 'wow how amazing are you!'

'Dia ni dulu ketua pelajar tau!'
'Wah yeke, mest hebat kannnnn!!'

That's my past, I was a head prefect once in school. Upon hearing the title, everyone was so amazed. Thinking how great it was, how confident I must be in my action and speech, how rational I was in making decisions, how respected I was in school. And lots more wonderful thoughts they think of me.

Betul, pandangan orang. Bila orang selalu fikir sejarah orang ni bagus, mesti dia ni bagus gila.... selama-lamanya bagus. And bila tiba time orang tu buat silap. Kena condemn habis. Me myself don't like the title I held once: being a leader. Orang tak tahu apa cerita sepanjang title tu di pegang, setiap masa kena fikir masalah2 kat aspuri, every pain I tried to bear, every tears I tried to hold, the feeling of gasping for a crying-shoulder, longing for a hand to catch me when I fall. I had always wanted to be in a hug and hear the words 'It's okay, bukan salah awk. Awk dah cuba yg terbaik. Awk dah cuba jadi ketua yg baik utk ank2 buah awk. You've tried so hard'

'Takpe, apa2 pun jadi kita tanggung sama2 ye'
'sama2 buat keputusan, sama2 la terima kesannya'
It's a lie. At last, at the end, I was standing with myself. Alone facing the outcome.

I was in a solitary pain. It hurt so much that I couldn't even have the will to play it back in my mind.

Semua tu adalah kesilapan, I shouldn't be elected that time, that year. Tapi semua tu kuasa Allah. Allah nak aku belajar erti memberi dan menerima. Bukan memberi duit dan harta benda tapi memberi masa dan fikiran kita dalam menjalankan tanggungjawab. Bukan menerima pujian dan sanjungan tapi menerima teguran dan nasihat yg membina diri ni. Betul, aku memang orang yg susah menerima nasihat dan teguran, aku mengaku after semua yg aku lalui masa form5 dulu. Betul, aku memang kurang menggunakan masa dan fikiran dulu, aku banyak menggunakan emosi remaja biasa. *I couldn't help myself, I don't know how and people keep blaming me for it*

Cikgu nak marah aku, tengking aku, aku tak kisah. Tapi aku tak tahan kalau cikgu yg bercerita pasal aku pada orang2 lain-cikgu2 yg aku rapat, junior2. Aku taknak diingati sebagai apa yg cikgu tersebut cerita. Aku taknak. Aku tak tahan dengan perasaan dipersalahkan selalu. Sungguh. Tuduhan, kemarahan, kata2 yg tajam.

Whatodo. Even semua tu dah terjadi, sekolah tu tetap aku rindu. Cikgu2 tetap aku kenang selalu. Suasana prep malam tetap aku suka.

Kawan2, sahabat2 yg baru aku kenali, I'm not that good. I'm not that awesome. Please accept me for who I am. I fear that everyone is leaving me when they know how genuinely I was like. The title of head girl I held previously didn't explain anything about my perfection. Please please. Stop judging.

Kawan2 and sahabat2 aku di zaman sekolah dulu. Aku ni tak macam apa yg korang fikir. The sign on my face didn't tell you what I felt deep in my heart.

Sejujurnya aku ni bukan jenis yg pandai nak luahkan apa yg aku rasa. I'm sorry.

Kau pun headgirl? Ye, kau headgirl yg hebat. Bukan aku. Aku tak. Aku terlalu biasa dari yg biasa. Dan ni cerita aku.

Eventhough I tried to forget the pain that robbed my heart, but it still won't go away. And maybe this is not something that I should forget. It is a treasure that only the choosen one could feel. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for letting me experience it. Ya Allah help me to be a better person, I don't want to be the old me.



   Lots of love,

Querida Eyha

Half-Critical Zone

10.40pm, zon hijau, HoHAS

Seorang ibu berlari2 membawa anak lelakinya masuk dalam bilik no 4, bilik H.A. Kepala anaknya berdarah, mcm kena hempap something yg berat. Not sure what.

Muka seorang laki budak lelaki yg terbaring tak bemaya dalam stroller tu dah merah2, sebab demam panas maybe.

Budak perempuan yg asthma, tak boleh bernafas sebab hidung dia tersumbat. Kesian...

Macam2 la, ada yg kaki berdarah, ada yg sesak nafas tiba2 ada yg terkena letrik, semuanya bergegas ke zon half-critical kat hospital malam2 mcm ni. Doctor yg bertugas mcm tak ramai, tapi pesakit yg tunggu turn ramai mcm apa. Lagi2 yg bwk newborn baby like my sister did.  Baby Khaleef demam panas semalam, suhu 39. Ya Allah.

Bila tengok suasana tu, satu je yg aku fikir, kalaula aku ada kepakaran, dah lama aku tolong bukak satu lgi bilik kat ruang tu. Boleh bantu2 sikit pesakit yg tunggu lama kat luar. My sis wait until 11.45 that her name was called to meet the doctor.

InshaAllah, i'll try so hard to be a doctor. Doctor that always there when needed by my patients and my family of course. My Allah ease everything. Going to India in 2015, inshaAllah


   Lots of love,

Querida Eyha