'What position did you hold in your school?'
'A head girl'
And people was like 'wow how amazing are you!'
'Dia ni dulu ketua pelajar tau!'
'Wah yeke, mest hebat kannnnn!!'
That's my past, I was a head prefect once in school. Upon hearing the title, everyone was so amazed. Thinking how great it was, how confident I must be in my action and speech, how rational I was in making decisions, how respected I was in school. And lots more wonderful thoughts they think of me.
Betul, pandangan orang. Bila orang selalu fikir sejarah orang ni bagus, mesti dia ni bagus gila.... selama-lamanya bagus. And bila tiba time orang tu buat silap. Kena condemn habis. Me myself don't like the title I held once: being a leader. Orang tak tahu apa cerita sepanjang title tu di pegang, setiap masa kena fikir masalah2 kat aspuri, every pain I tried to bear, every tears I tried to hold, the feeling of gasping for a crying-shoulder, longing for a hand to catch me when I fall. I had always wanted to be in a hug and hear the words 'It's okay, bukan salah awk. Awk dah cuba yg terbaik. Awk dah cuba jadi ketua yg baik utk ank2 buah awk. You've tried so hard'
'Takpe, apa2 pun jadi kita tanggung sama2 ye'
'sama2 buat keputusan, sama2 la terima kesannya'
It's a lie. At last, at the end, I was standing with myself. Alone facing the outcome.
I was in a solitary pain. It hurt so much that I couldn't even have the will to play it back in my mind.
Semua tu adalah kesilapan, I shouldn't be elected that time, that year. Tapi semua tu kuasa Allah. Allah nak aku belajar erti memberi dan menerima. Bukan memberi duit dan harta benda tapi memberi masa dan fikiran kita dalam menjalankan tanggungjawab. Bukan menerima pujian dan sanjungan tapi menerima teguran dan nasihat yg membina diri ni. Betul, aku memang orang yg susah menerima nasihat dan teguran, aku mengaku after semua yg aku lalui masa form5 dulu. Betul, aku memang kurang menggunakan masa dan fikiran dulu, aku banyak menggunakan emosi remaja biasa. *I couldn't help myself, I don't know how and people keep blaming me for it*
Cikgu nak marah aku, tengking aku, aku tak kisah. Tapi aku tak tahan kalau cikgu yg bercerita pasal aku pada orang2 lain-cikgu2 yg aku rapat, junior2. Aku taknak diingati sebagai apa yg cikgu tersebut cerita. Aku taknak. Aku tak tahan dengan perasaan dipersalahkan selalu. Sungguh. Tuduhan, kemarahan, kata2 yg tajam.
Whatodo. Even semua tu dah terjadi, sekolah tu tetap aku rindu. Cikgu2 tetap aku kenang selalu. Suasana prep malam tetap aku suka.
Kawan2, sahabat2 yg baru aku kenali, I'm not that good. I'm not that awesome. Please accept me for who I am. I fear that everyone is leaving me when they know how genuinely I was like. The title of head girl I held previously didn't explain anything about my perfection. Please please. Stop judging.
Kawan2 and sahabat2 aku di zaman sekolah dulu. Aku ni tak macam apa yg korang fikir. The sign on my face didn't tell you what I felt deep in my heart.
Sejujurnya aku ni bukan jenis yg pandai nak luahkan apa yg aku rasa. I'm sorry.
Kau pun headgirl? Ye, kau headgirl yg hebat. Bukan aku. Aku tak. Aku terlalu biasa dari yg biasa. Dan ni cerita aku.
Eventhough I tried to forget the pain that robbed my heart, but it still won't go away. And maybe this is not something that I should forget. It is a treasure that only the choosen one could feel. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for letting me experience it. Ya Allah help me to be a better person, I don't want to be the old me.
Lots of love,
Querida Eyha
